people who post comments make me happy. it's good to know i'm not just writing for myself, although i've found that the physical act of writing in itself it actually quite therapeutic.
Karin asked me whether I'd ever had the fantasy of getting sick so I could be skinny. The truth of the matter is that I've wished for prety much every possible to happen to me that would make me skinny. not that i even know exactly what "skinny" means to me. not that i'm never happy with the weight i am, it's just that i'm never content.
Last spring i was at the weight i've been the happiest with my whole life, somewhere around 135 lbs. I was wearing a size four and the fact that I could fit into one pair of Gap size 2s was quite literally, one of the highlights of my life.
Just like Karin, I love food to a ridiculous extent. Food is amazing. I love Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, French, Italian, Mexican, I could go on but you've probably already skipped to the end of this sentence.
I enjoy exercising too. I love to run, not for real, but on the elliptical machine. In fact, it was that very machine (along with a crazy restrictive diet, of course) that got me into those size 2s. My bike is my baby. I could ride it all over this city. I probably have. Being physically active does make me feel happy, you're right. The only problem is actually getting up the motivation to turn off the Law & Order marathon, get my ass off the couch, and actually go do something physically exerting for a change.
I really really really hope you're right about the whole getting easier as you get older thing. At the moment I'm kind of scared I'll have to deal with feeling this shitty about myself my whole life. It ain't exactly encouraging to look forward to.