Tuesday, November 15, 2005

i hate myself...my life...fuck it...

i was actually doing well for a bit there thanks to the beauty of male attention. and not just male attention in the wanting to have sex with me way. i hadn't been looking for a boyfriend, or even someone to date. i didn't think i was interested in dating anyone, just wanted to fool around with guys. and then i met Kris.
he was amazing. just an awesome, cool, sweet guy who i totally wanted to date even though i didn't think i wanted to date anyone. and of course we spend all this time together, hanging out, talking on the phone, having an amazing time. and of course, he just broke up with his gf right before he met me, and it turns out he's still in love with her.
oops.
i'm not really mad at him, he didn't purposely cause pain to me. in fact, he feels really shitty about it. mostly i feel angry at the situation. and at myself. i should've known better.
...sigh...
now i feel shitty in general again. ran a knife over my wrist again. not to draw blood, just to feel the edge. it felt good. took a lot of oxy too. that helped for a second. now i just feel drained and shitty. and very depressed. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Today's not-so-much damage 11-7

1 6oz low fat yogurt
1 sandwish worth turkey breast
1 slice oat bran bread
1 mango smoothie (90 cal!)

1 sandwish worth turkey breast
1 slice oat bran bread
1 serving Lean Cuisine Ravioli (yummy! only 250 cal)
1/2 cup bran flakes
1 8 oz glass fat free soy milk

1 medium gala apple
4 chocolate tofutti pops (30 cals each)
1 package 94% fat free microwave popcorn
1 cup oatmeal
3 8oz glasses fat free soy milk

thank god for the good days

today went really well in terms of everything. didn't binge. didn't throw up. didn't do drugs (not even cigarettes). and didn't sleep with anyone. (okay, maybe that last one isn't so unwanted...)
but seriously, i feel so proud of myself that i was actually able to make it through an entire day without doing any of my usual self-destructive behaviors. much of this is likely do to the fact that i spent all day running around from class to therapy to meetings and was barely in my room all day. honestly, i don't care whatever qualifiers i must apply to it. i'm just fucking glad it happened. my hope is that i can actually continue this tomorrow. perhaps i'll just try to stay out of my room.
on the plus side, i am supposed to get together with Nick, ie, fuck buddy boy, so that should provide me with a decent distraction from reality ;-)

Monday, November 07, 2005

it's called a disease for a reason

i wonder if people are aware of the fact that bulemia is a disease. it's not a question of will-power, or wanting be better. if i could be better, believe me, i would love to be. i would give almost anything to not hate myself so much that i am compelled on a daily basis to gorge myself and then feel the painful burning of vomiting it back up again.
people don't make fun of cancer patients. no one ever says "god damn it! if you really wanted to be cured of cancer you would be. you're just not trying. you don't want to be cancer-free, do you? it's your own fault that you have cancer."
i wish i could be cured of this. i wish it with my entire being. but bulemia isn't just about the vomiting. it's tangled up with so many other issues in my life and the purging is really just an outlet for the pressure that builds inside me, every moment of every day. it's a scary point in your life when you realize that you hate yourself as much i hate myself. when you get to that point when you actually enjoy eating until your stomach aches, when you're no longer even hungry because it helps you to not think about how shitty you feel. when i binge, i don't think. it's almost as if i'm in a trance. i feel so free. like i don't have to worry about anything at all. it's amazing.
but then reality comes crashing in. i realize how many calories i've just consumed and the fear of being fat and unattractive hits me. but it isn't even so much about the being fat, as it is about the fear of being unwanted. undesirable.
so i have to get rid of it. and vomiting it is almost like sex. i massage the uvula at the back of my throat. it hurts a little bit, but i know the result will be worth it. and when i finish myself, and the food comes back up, i feel an immense, pleasureable release. it's pretty creepy, really.
i wonder how anyone could think i would want to do this possbily permanent damage to my body if there was any sort of choice involved. if you've ever felt shitty about yourself, or even for a moment felt ugly and unwanted, multiply that by a million and imagine feeling that way practically every moment of every day. the moments when i actually feel good about myself are the exceptions to the rule. if i spent even a few minutes of a day feeling good about myself, it's a fucking miracle.

explanation of my food accounting

i don't know if writing down everything i eat (and purge) is necessarily the best way to help me with my problem. however, i do feel that it's constructive to document the damage i do to myself. it forces me to be honest with myself at least in terms of my bulemia. being accountable makes me think a bit about what i eat before i eat it. knowing i'll have to write it down later makes me want to binge and purge it now. even if i'm the only one who will be forced to revisit the truth later.

Today's damage 11-6

4 egg whites, scrambled
1.5 oz low-fat mozzerella
1 red bell pepper
1 orange

4 tofutti popsicles (30 cals each)
1 8oz fat free light yogurt
3 cups 94% fat free microwave popcorn
1 pint chicken mooshu
3/4 cup cheerios
2 8 oz glasses fat-free soy milk

2 cups white rice
1 tbsp butter
3 mini Snickers
(purged)

Weight: 148.6 (how the fuck did this happen..shit...maybe it's cuz i'm using a different scale)

replacements...

so instead of throwing up, now i'm just doing more oxycontin. also going down the road of messing around with guys...and girls...
up until about a week ago, i'd only slept with five guys, and within the last week i've slept with two more...not to mention the fact that i slept with a guy i'd slept with before and made out with two other guys and a girl as well.
it makes me feel better. it's always good to feel desirable. i like feeling wanted. who the fuck doesn't? i know it's probably not the best idea. misdirected attempts at improving my self-image, i suppose.
unfortunately, the result isn't really permanent. i mean, it makes me feel better for a little bit, but mostly it makes me want more of that high. whether it's oxy or sex, it's really the same. just looking for something to make myself feel better. anything at all. sigh...

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Today's damage 11-2

1 8 oz fat free light yogurt
1 gala apple

1 pint steamed tofu with veggies
2 bowls cheerios
2 cups light soy milk
1/2 cup frozen mangoes

1 turkey sandwich worth of sliced turkey
1 slice oat bran bread
1 smoothie (89 cal)
5 oreos
5 wheat thins
3/4 can sour cream & onion pringles
2 chocolate chunk rice krispie treats
1/2 pint cookies & cream ice cream
1/3 pint pineapple & coconut ice cream
(i avoided the hoagie, but not the rest of the bad foods. i knew before i went to the convenience store exactly what i'd be buying, eating and vomiting)

no weigh-in (still no access to a scale)

yeah...today wasn't so good

I suppose I should be glad that I made it through yesterday without vomiting. Somehow, that accomplishment seems less impressive however, considering how massively I failed to do so today.
Made it through most of the day okay, but that's not surprising since nights are the most triggering times for me. For the majority of today I was feeling pretty decent, eating normal quantities of decently healthy food. But then I made the mistake of hitting the 420 with my friend Dev. Really smart on my part, huh? Having problems with controlling your eating? Why don't you do something that makes you hungrier and less able to control what you eat? Ahh, the brilliance of it all.
Most of the most disturbing things about my current situation is that the only thing that really seems to be helping me is when I do Oxy's. How fucked up is that? Turning to illicit substances to solve my problems seems as if it's somewhat of a bad plan, but on the other hand, when you're at the place I am, anything that makes you feel good about yourself is worth doing. And oxy definitely does that. It's not like being drunk (though I do enjoy that as well). Being on oxy is like the kind of happy that's normal. I'm not jumping up and down, crazy laughing or anything. I'm just content and calm and actually able to enjoy life.

Today's damage 11-1

1 red delicious apple (whoever came up with that name was lying. delicious apples are the worst tasting variety)
1 8 oz fat free light yogurt

2 light turkey sandwiches' worth of turkey breast
2 slices oat bran bread
1 small orange
1 24 oz smoothie (only 89 calories!)

1 pint steamed chicken w/veggies
2 bowls cheerios
2 cups light soy milk

1 small bowl miso soup
6 pieces sushi (spicy tuna roll...my favorite)

1 6 oz fat free light yogurt
1 red bell pepper

no weigh-in

think i actually did pretty decently today. and no purging!

response

people who post comments make me happy. it's good to know i'm not just writing for myself, although i've found that the physical act of writing in itself it actually quite therapeutic.
Karin asked me whether I'd ever had the fantasy of getting sick so I could be skinny. The truth of the matter is that I've wished for prety much every possible to happen to me that would make me skinny. not that i even know exactly what "skinny" means to me. not that i'm never happy with the weight i am, it's just that i'm never content.
Last spring i was at the weight i've been the happiest with my whole life, somewhere around 135 lbs. I was wearing a size four and the fact that I could fit into one pair of Gap size 2s was quite literally, one of the highlights of my life.
Just like Karin, I love food to a ridiculous extent. Food is amazing. I love Thai, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, French, Italian, Mexican, I could go on but you've probably already skipped to the end of this sentence.
I enjoy exercising too. I love to run, not for real, but on the elliptical machine. In fact, it was that very machine (along with a crazy restrictive diet, of course) that got me into those size 2s. My bike is my baby. I could ride it all over this city. I probably have. Being physically active does make me feel happy, you're right. The only problem is actually getting up the motivation to turn off the Law & Order marathon, get my ass off the couch, and actually go do something physically exerting for a change.
I really really really hope you're right about the whole getting easier as you get older thing. At the moment I'm kind of scared I'll have to deal with feeling this shitty about myself my whole life. It ain't exactly encouraging to look forward to.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Today's damage

Bowl of fat free plain yogurt
2 tbsp reduced sugar strawberry jam
1/2 cup of bran flakes

Sliced turkey breast
One slice wheat bread
Large salad (lettuce, cucumbers, bell peppers)
1/4 cup tuna fish
2 cups fat free frozen yogurt

1 large slice plain pizza
1 pint white rice
1 tsp butter
1 tootsie pop
3 dum-dums
4 mini-chocolate bars
(can we guess whether this was a binge?)

1 small orange
8 oz fat free light yogurt

~147.6 lbs

But who holds the key?

guess what i do to myself when no one else is around?

bulemia fucking sucks. not that you're all really surprised to hear it. i mean, as attractive and fun as it must sound to gorge yourself on food until you ache and then repeatedly jam your finger down your throat...so, yeah. it's been almost a year now. don't know what i expected would happen when i started. that i'd magically become skinny? or at least skinnier? well, we can see how well that's worked out...i'm at almost exactly the same weight that i was when i started destroying my body. within a pound.it's kind of interesting actually, that as much as i've tried to take control of my body, it's really retained control over me this whole time. instead of gaining power over the way that i look and how much i weigh, it is my body who has all the power. my entire life has come to revolve around it. the food i eat and don't eat, and most importantly, the food i eat temporarily and then almost immediately force back out of my system.i can hardly remember what it's like to eat anything other than lettuce without feeling guilty. in fact, i don't think i can recall a time when i was ever really okay with food.i have this distinct memory of being in third grade and not wanting to get weighed by the school nurse because then everyone wouldn't just see how fat i was, they'd know it. third fucking grade. there's got to be so many things wrong with that.i've done the whole therapy routine, and anti-depressents. started off with individual therapy which has so far been completely useless (thus my discontinuing of it), got prescribed celexa, which helped not at all, got prescribed effexor, which helped a lot. got used to actually being, if not happy, at least not suicidal. and if not cured of my bulemia, then at least binging and purging only 2 or 3 times a week instead of 2 or 3 times a day. i suppose it's all about the baby steps, right? and then the effexor stopped working so effectively. lucky me.so i've been feeling pretty shitty again recently. and the shittier i feel, the more i binge and purge. it does make me feel better it a way. well, in a lot of ways. but it also makes me feel shittier in other ways. such a lovely, complicating thing it is, this eating disorder thing.